Where am I going?
If you have followed my blog for the last couple months, you may see an underlying theme of change, of rest and renewal. I have been seeking God’s plan. I can feel a change in progress, but I do not know the destination. Now He says rest, yet I still allow myself to get unsettled.
Yesterday I began to feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of weekly preparing and serving lunch at VERONICA’s Voice. This was very discouraging since I once felt so strongly that God had called me to this. I know that I have not had a “vacation” from serving besides the Friday before Easter and another date in March, but I also knew from the start I would begin to feel this way eventually. Way back then I prayed that God would sustain me and carry me through when I felt discouraged.
So I’m praying. I woke up quite early this morning praying, so out of bed I rolled. I am amazed at what I accomplished this morning before my normal wake up time. I made ketchup, mustard, cucumber salad, cooked my beans, and then sat down to read my favorite book.
Before I began reading, I journaled my thoughts and prayers and prayed that God speak to me through His word for my situation. In my writing, I noted some negative things that were happening that needed to change. My “ministry” has pulled me away from being an engaged teacher. The kids are getting their assignments done, but I am less involved. I am also not cooking the healthy, delicious meals for my family that I was before, but finding the fastest meals I can make instead. I am also feeling very stretched when we want to go visit family. It has become a juggling act to get away. The stress of the preparation often detracts from the enjoyment of the time with family.
Now the list of positives I did not make. They have to do with the nourishment of the bodies and spirits of the women we serve, the prayers we send as we prepare for the week. The list is long and good.
I leave this in God’s hands. He will sort out the details. He will provide an answer. He will give the help that is needed. He is the Way.
During my reading, these verses spoke to my heart:
Psalms 51:17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.
Psalms 61:1-2 Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer. (2) From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.