Amanda Jolley

Reflection on pattern and abstraction of the subconscious


This is the first page of my Moleskine. The concept for this page is from Sarah Whitmire at Caspiana and her Soul Journaling prompts. Written in sparkly gold gel pen over the green paint are the words:

This book contains TRUTH! If you are not ready to receive, this book is not for your eyes. No Judgment Allowed. Remove your lens and look through mine.

The Bible text is Ephesians 6:10-20. I glued the knight over the gesso and painted it red (washed in Christ’s blood), then glued the Bible text down, painted green over the red except over the knight (new life in Christ), and then used white gel pen to detail the red knight (Christ’s holiness and purity covering me).

It has been a week since our last meal served at VERONICA’s Voice. While I was really busy throughout the week catching up on Latin and life, the reality of this loss seems to just be hitting me. I feel as though there has been a death. My heart is grieving. I feel I am going through the stages of grief in a minor way, been through detachment and anger, and now depression. Although not truly depressed, I am feeling quite reflective and lonely. Right now I just need a shoulder to cry on, just one long good cry, so I can release this grief. I need to share all the details of what is hanging in my mind. I completely trust that God has all the details worked out, and everything will work for His glory. Right now I’m just dealing with my own tender state.

You’re probably thinking, “Oh my gosh, lady. You were just serving lunch. What is the big deal? Get over it and enjoy your free time.”

So here’s a struggle of mine on occasion, like right now: I would love to pour my heart out and let you all know all the details of why this is so difficult for me, but that might put others in a negative light. Where do I draw the line? Even if I were to tell one friend privately, where would I draw the line? How much is okay to share? Nothing, probably. If that is true, do I just absorb these emotions? If I absorb them now, how will they reveal themselves later?

Tender. Reflective. Aching.

amanda ∞

3 Comments on “Tender”

  1. It is so hard when you want to talk about something but you can’t. Husbands get tired of listening to the same thing over and over again but what can you do. If the emotions are absorbed now, I can only hope that they will guide me in the future.

  2. Amanda, [No Judgment Allowed. Remove your lens and look through mine] I accepted a similar attitude when I was divorcing my first husband. The church I went to, the friends I had were all very against divorce. The only place I found unquestioned acceptance was with my family. I decided then that I might have many acquaintances, but I would only make friends of those who accepted me without judgment. Oh, friends can disagree with me, they can even think I am wrong and tell me so, but in the end… they need to treat me the same and allow me to be wrong and love me in the place I am.

    [would love to pour my heart out and let you all know all the details of why this is so difficult for me] I hope that you can use your journal to pour out all of your hurts and disappointments… and what you are learning about yourself and God on its pages.

    There are things I have not been free to share lately too (Hence my light blogging ~ both in the amount I am writing and the subjects I am writing about)… perhaps I should journal.

  3. hey amanda….
    i know exactly what you mean …. and how your feeling right now. i’m in the process of giving up some things, all in the act of giving myslef more to God and what HE WANTS of me and my life. i k now its hard, but just remember that God is doing somthing in your life, and He will bless you and what you can do for HIM… and even though ive been a little sparse in blogland, if you ever want to talk to me about anything at all you can email me ANYTIME…

    I really appreciate knowing this. That’s mutual you know. If you ever need to chat, I’m here.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.